Love will come set me free

today it has been 2 years since the day my dad passed away, so naturally because my name is emma i have too many thoughts and emotions and have to blog about them.

the first thing i need to say is that it’s funny to me that an anniversary like this dictates my emotions in such a huge way. like just because it’s april 12th, i’m sad, no questions asked. the past week or so i’ve felt it creeping up like an impending doom…almost like i’m scared he’s going to die again or something. the thing about losing arguably the most important person in your life is that the grief is sneaky, and you will have days where you miss this person and you have absolutely no idea why. it can be a wednesday at 10pm and i will feel destroyed by this grief out of absolutely nowhere, even 2 years later. on the other hand, there are full weeks and even months at this point where i don’t cry about it a single time. i’ve gotten used to this randomness, but april 12th means all that is out the window. apparently i absolutely HAVE to be hurting on this day, end of story.

the second thing that’s weird to me today is how different i feel from last year. last april 12th the details about the day my dad died were all i could think about. it was the weirdest, most unexpected day of my life and when the anniversary rolled around i was hit by just how traumatizing it all was. now that it’s a whole year later i think many of these details have slipped my mind. i remember main events, but the actual DAY my dad died is not what i think about anymore. i didn’t talk to him at all that day because 1) it was easter so we went to church, 2) he was still “healthy” in the morning and there was absolutely no thought at all of sudden death, and 3) by the time i went to the hospital he was knocked out on all sorts of drugs and hooked up to machines. i didn’t say a single word to him the last 24 hours he was alive, so in retrospect, this day is not what i think of. the fact that i’ve forgotten a lot of details about that specific day makes me feel partially relieved, but also very aware of just how long he’s been gone. it’s made me aware of the fact that i’m graduating from college in 32 days and he won’t see it, at least not from a seat on this earth. he’s already missed my sister graduating from high school and my brother having his first child, my dad’s first granddaughter. he’s missed the fact that i’ve changed my entire life plan, that i’m going into ministry instead of fashion. if anyone ever brings up a father-daughter dance at a wedding, forget about it- instant tears, because he’s going to miss that too.

the best way that i’ve ever been able to explain losing a parent is that it’s like a hole was formed in my heart the day that it happened, and over time i’ve become increasingly aware that nothing is going to fill it. i’ve gotten used to it, and i go forever without thinking about it, but it’s still there. every once in awhile something happens and it feels like my heart is in physical pain. this sounds crazy, i know, but it’s the only way i can think of to explain it. it’s a constant feeling of homesickness that fades in and out depending on the situation you’re in. the unique thing about my situation is that the 2 year anniversary of my dad dying means that i’m rapidly approaching the 2 year anniversary of the day that i started loving Jesus with my whole heart and soul. personally, i had to be at rock bottom before i decided to be a follower of Christ. i’ve found that this is sort of common amongst Christians, and my guess is that we don’t ACTUALLY believe we need a Savior until we are painfully, acutely, i-just-got-slapped-in-the-face aware of how much we absolutely NEED a Savior. being in a relationship with God has brought me more joy over the last year and a half than i ever could have guessed, especially considering the pain i was still experiencing at the time. it’s ironic to me that i see more beauty in the world now having gone through a traumatic experience than i did before this ever happened. it’s also ironic that the only way i can describe the pain i felt losing my dad is by saying that my heart physically hurt, and that i felt homesick, because the only way i’ve ever been able to describe the presence of God is that He makes my heart feel full like it’s going to burst out of my chest. at times when i think about Jesus or talk to Him, i have a sort of warm feeling in my heart. it’s kind of like getting butterflies in your stomach when you’re falling in love except that it’s in my chest, and every time it happens i’m 128% positive that it’s God. i say all of this because i don’t think it’s a coincidence that these feelings are the exact opposite of one another. on days like today there is absolutely nothing that can make me feel better, because i will have this physical ache at least until i wake up tomorrow morning. but i’m willing to bet that God will choose today to give me some extra heart flutters, and He will be particularly intent on listening to my prayers later.

that’s literally all that is going to ease the pain of losing the person who loved me unconditionally in such a heartfelt, affectionate, goofy, silly way. my dad was one of a kind and i don’t expect my life without him to be easy, even 2 more years down the road. but Jesus is somehow in this pain with me, and He’s loving me even MORE unconditionally. that is all that helps on days like this where i feel absolutely crazy. that, and maybe a little online shopping. and an iced white mocha from starbucks.